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May 13, 2013

I Refuse to Become Excited by Electrical Appliances and Toilet Paper.

Today the office ran out of toilet paper. The human resources manager went to Duane Read and purchased some. When she came back she looked as if she just came back from Disney world. A few of the women were huddled around reading the label and commenting on how amazing it is that this paper is made from stones. I could not believe my eyes. The last time anyone in the office was this excited was when someone bought a frother. Yes, a $150 frother. If you don’t know what a frother is you are not crazy, you are just not a middle aged house wife. When this purchase was made she made the point to have us watch the frother as it frothed some milk. It was literally like watching paint dry.

I refuse to become excited by electrical appliances and toilet paper. I also refuse to pretend to be excited. Please excuse my language, but, what the fuck is wrong with people? Is this what life is like after you’ve settled down? Maybe I just require more excitement than others, but I refuse to have my life turn into an episode of The Hills. I also refuse to be around people who think this is normal. The reason why I am so against this logic is because this is how people get stuck in life. People get stuck by pretending that what is “normal,” is OK. Just because it is a norm to be this way does not mean that it is OK. Yes, many are sincerely excited by mundane crap daily. Those people are called boring, old, or 5th generation Americans. In the U.S it is also a norm to be obese, divorced and selfish. However, it does not mean that it is OK to be this way.

Remember when your mother or educator tried to teach you a lesson on individuality and free will by saying,” If everyone jumps off a cliff, would you?” I know everyone has heard this before and of course our response to this was naturally no. It is strange, but if asked that question again today I might say yes. Because it is completely OK to sit on your ass and complain if everyone else does the same, but it is not reasonable for you to do something drastic that others are doing. Also, if people are jumping off a cliff there must be a valid reason. Consider the pros and cons, don’t just say no. Is there water below? Am I attached to a cord?

Another thing is that no matter what you decide to do in life, you will never be alone in doing so. There will always be a group of people doing the same thing that you are. If loneliness is what you are afraid off, which by the way is a primal useless emotion, there is nothing to worry about.

Please don’t pretend to be excited by toilet paper and electrical appliances when what would really excite you is to jump off a cliff. Then you will only be cheating yourself.

May 9, 2013

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“You Have to be More Careful,”

“Ana you have to be more careful,” She said in her whiny little voice. We called her Minnie mouse, because she had a squeaky voice, was short and stubby and wore awkward dresses. Of course Minnie mouse was a term of endearment. She was one of the many managers at one of my first jobs as zone recovery specialist in a major retail store.

Every time I messed up she knew why I did so. It was not because I was slow or dumb, but because I needed to be more careful. And 3 years later her squeaky little voice resonates in my head whenever I make a careless mistake.

Yes, at first it was just annoying. How is one more careful? What does she even mean? This is just who I am? I am tired! These were only some of the questions and excuses that stopped me from growing as a person. When I decided to just be more careful life became easier.

I have countless bruises resulting from careless mistakes when I was younger. If you want to ask yourself if you are an adult or a child just ask yourself one question. Are you careful? Are you aware? Being aware will allow you to be free-spirited without the adverse affects of being the screw-up/basket case.

And how is it that you become more careful, you say? It is by living in the moment and maintaining focus. You must never allow yourself to become a zombie in your daily life. Everything that you do, you must remember, Sober or not. And if you don’t remember then you must know why. If you don’t then who is controlling your actions? You must always be aware.

Being aware does not mean that you are not free spirited or fun. It is actually the complete opposite. Those who are self aware know who they are and know that they can let go, because they will never fall. It is odd how you need inner peace to be self aware. Inner peace requires work, but once you have peace it will never truly leave you. It becomes part of who you are. I will never find something in my space that I didn’t know was there.

I remember the way objects are facing and what people are wearing and I can recall seeing someone in the subway that I briefly meet 3years ago. This does not make me super human. It took work to become aware and it is an amazing thing to have. I used to live life as a zombie growing up and I am finally aware.

Now when I see my old manager again I will, although she once annoyed me, embrace her. I will embrace her, because she unknowingly made me a better person.

April 30, 2013

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Lucid Stillness ( free write)

I find that once again I am re-learning how to live my life. Every couple of years I stop and re-teach myself how to live. Change my habits to what works best for me in becoming the best person I can be. It is like how your fashion sense changes every couple of years as well as your habits. Your habits will change with or without you and it is up to you to choose which ones to keep, let go of and begin. Every couple of years I take back my life.

Like every drastic change one must feel that something must be done before taking any steps in the right direction. I am reverting back into my childhood coping mechanisms, but with the control of an adult.

When I was younger I was a lucid dreamer. Lucid dreaming means that you are able to see yourself in a dream and know that you are dreaming; hence a major reason why I am obsessed with Freddy Krueger. But that is a story for another day. My dreams were never magical as much as they were surreal. In time I even came to have my own dream world. Every couple of years I have a dream in which I am in an imaginary town where I have a house and a small community. And although the years may pass that lucid home remains as I left it.

Last time I went back my lucid home was flooded and had some new furniture which I did not approve of. I remember that before that dream the house turned into a boat where the waters would rise constantly leading me to different islands depending on what I was going through. I’ve seen my late grandmother in one of those islands.The new furniture was explained by someone in my dream as being there due to the fact that I was not around for so long that they were forced to live without me. I have yet to truly know what that means. All that I know is that once the dreams were over I found myself at peace.

I know that I sound crazy, but I rather have fanatical dreams than be a person who lacks sanity living in the very real world.

My lucid dreams soon turned into sleep paralysis when I would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to move or speak. During sleep paralysis one hallucinates into thinking that there is someone else in the room with you. Shakespeare called this the “old hag,” because you feel as if someone or something is sitting on your chest preventing you from breathing and moving. These episodes last a couple of terrifying seconds.

The first time I experienced sleep paralysis was right after I was having a lucid dream in which I was on a school bus. The school bus would be on the brink of falling off a cliff. I would get out and jump off the cliff and keep doing it over and over again. I was so great at lucid dreaming that I would be able to wake up before landing go back to sleep and jump off the cliff again. However I woke up with sleep paralysis that day and I have been unable to be that in control of my dreams ever since.

Lucid dreaming makes reality more meaningful. It quiets the mind. I have read that many Buddhist use lucid dreaming to reach nirvana.
I am on a quest to get to that quiet place I once had. I was always a reserved person. However I never once felt that I longed to speak unless I needed to. Once I broke out of my shell, however it has become difficult for me to go back to that quiet again.There is so much useless talk going on around me. I feel as if most of what I myself say is useless and I am unable to control it.

I will once again re-learn to live my life. I must be quiet now.

April 23, 2013

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What my parents taught me….unknowingly.

My summers consisted of video games. Parasite Eve, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider (only the beginning stage where you get to roam free in her mansion) and most of all Twisted Metal.

Every year when children were asked what they did that summer my reply was relaxed. When in fact what I actually did was finish a game, read a few books, watch a new horror movie and had my brother Henry read more stories from “Scary Stories to tell in the dark.”

There were times where I didn’t leave the house for days. My mom once came home to find my hair in a giant Bob Marley clump from not doing anything about it for so long. Needless to say the woman was furious.

This was my summer from the age of five up until the age of fourteen. Video games were so important to me that every Christmas my parents gave us each 5bucks. (Yes I was that poor growing up) My brothers and I would then put our money together in order to exchange a game for the new Twisted Metal that came out every December. I remember when I first put my money in, I was so proud of myself. Little 11 year old me was so excited to be able to play with MR. Grimm one more time and kick some ass in Twisted Metal.

My dad although we never had much money is a very frugal man. My Mom although we never had much money was never much of a hard worker who experiences slight paranoia. I do not call it a disorder. We do not call those with bad people skill to have Bad Manners Disorder or Douchebag Syndrome. People are who they are and either they change it, become it or make themselves believe that they are the person they wish to be; while others wish they actually were the person they wish to be. No matter the matter, those who are true to themselves always have many around them who love them.

As a child I wanted to be more like my dad and less like my mom.

As an adult I realized that I am a little bit of both, but I am ok with that. I am more than ok with myself.

I do not call myself frugal, but I can budget the hell out of any situation. That was something my dad taught me unknowingly.
I do not say that I am an irrational person, but I can rationally make or break anyone’s day if the mood strikes and I can spot an insincere soul from a mile away. That was something my mom taught me unknowingly.

Like both, I do not like light talk. In fact I detest it. My mom was always too serious and my dad prefers to prank people than talk about nothing. Why waste your time on this earth skimming through people when you can spend it getting to know humanity on a deeper level? The world consists of people and if you cannot understand human nature then you are doomed.

Because my parents were so different from each other I looked to my three older brothers. We stuck together. It was an unspoken bond we attained from having common enemies.

Growing up I would always hear, “wow three brothers, Are they over protective? Do you all have sibling rivalry?” My answer was not even a no. It was more of confusion. What is this sibling rivalry you speak of? This thing called over protection?

We grew up quietly, we all had the same quiet demeanor and we all knew when to leave people alone.

We also all thought that the time to leave people alone is always.

What I learned from my brothers is that self growth demands mutual solitude; that they taught me that unknowingly.

The rest I learned from TV. I can spot a plot twist and mistake from a mile away, but that is another story for another day.

What Television taught me… Knowingly.

April 18, 2013

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Appreciation and Contribution: Love it or it will Reject you.

I have always loved the world around me and what people have chosen to do with it. I remember being 3 years old and going into a store and thinking. “If the space is so small, why doesn’t the door open outwards, when doors open inwards there is less indoor space?” I always thought about what would make something better. Why the world worked the way that it did and what I could do to enhance it. I also thought why was it that people are so careless in making decisions on their livelihood? ; That I yet don’t have the answer for.

I also always thought that everyone else thought like me. This is something that all children believe, due to their lack of perspective and perception.
Growing up although I KNOW that others do not think this way, I still cannot UNDERSTAND it. Even now with the internet. There is so much information floating around. Why would you not want to know more? I went through a lot in my young life and I saw a lot, so I was always quiet and observant as a child. I never understood my Mother. I thought I could have raised myself better, protected myself better. I think I knew too much. I always tell people that as a baby I acted like Stewie from Family Guy and as a teenager I was Wednesday Adams.

I was always a sad child. People would come to me and pinch my cheeks and I would give them the evil eye. No matter how depressed I was I always wanted to help and understand. I always loved the world; Regardless of how it treated me. So I never saw myself as a troubled child.
I find that troubled people always try very hard to be seen. And the fact of the matter is that the only reason why they are not being seen is because they are trying too hard.

Also, if you are not an interesting person then nothing that you do is interesting. One thing that those living in New York City do not understand is that it is ok to not be interesting. So maybe your mommy and daddy told you that you were different. And yes, maybe you are. But if what makes you different is what you do, not your personality then you might as well be a boring person who at times does really cool stuff, which everyone does at some point, which brings you back to square one.

Once you have accepted yourself, then you can accept and understand the world around you. Accept it as it is. Love the rain, because it is rain, not because of the rainbows that come after it. Love it all.

Living in this world is like working closely in a company. If you love your company you will think of new ways to make it better. If you do not love your company then you will do the bare minimum in order to keep your job. The CEO will eventually notice and once the jig is up you are screwed.

That is life, If you do not love it, others will be able to tell and no matter how you try to hide it and act around it, it will show. People may be careless and selfish, but they are no idiots; they just don’t want to deal with delusional people. If you do not love life, others will notice and you will get fired. Getting fired means that you’ll be practically invincible. No one will care (other than your parents and family members, because they are obligated to give a fuck) if you break a record, have a many talents Ect. No one will care, because when you don’t love life, the intentions of everything that you do are self-serving. And if you don’t give a fuck about the world around you, the people, the places, truly, from the bottom of your heart; love it and accept it; then the world won’t give a fuck about you. No matter what you say or do. The selfishness will eventually show.But if you love life then trying to make it better will come easy for you. It will be part of who you are. You will not choose one single selfish personal cause to be passionate about, you will just be. You will be passionate about it all. But you will not be delusional, because you will know truth.

As a child I never really understood life, but I always loved it. I knew that I loved it from the moment I first began to wonder and I never stopped wondering since.

P.S. I just saw this video today and realized that everything he says I have been living by without knowing. It is natural human nature to become wise if you simply search for wisdom.