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Do What You Love With Those That Love You Back

This year I have witnessed magic time and time again.

I have forgiven many who have wronged me while taking away their power by not waiting for their apologies or bothering with their excuses.

I have climbed more than one mountain at a time, by learning many things at once. I always knew when someone said I was stretching myself too thin it was because they didn’t understand the power of baby steps, discipline and passion.

I have reached a point where I am addicted to progress. Or addicted to what many call the journey. I enjoy the walk to the destination so much that at times I just keep walking.

I Learned to use my ‘flaws’ as my strengths and learned to love myself not for the person that I could be but the person that I am.

I have learned to accept love from myself and others.

I have learned that an angry introverted child translates into a passionate disciplined adult.

I no longer regret not being different when I never had the option to be anyone but myself. I would never want to be anyone but me. This being something that I not just know, but understand is the gift of being able to live another year.

To constantly connecting.

To doing more of what you love with the people that love you back.

To understanding ourselves and the world around us more and more each year. Wishing my readers another year of magic! I am grateful for you all.

 

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Why I Don’t Want to get Married

Last year it was everyone. This year it’s everyone else. Sending congratulations never felt so disingenuous. It’s not that I particularly want to get married, but I’d like to think that I am not only capable of love, but also capable of the kind of love that would overwhelm someone with excitement. Sometimes I wonder if this is happening to me, because I am afraid of overwhelming others. Because I was raised to believe that I was too much to handle. Even as a valedictorian shy kid around town. Or maybe I choose the wrong people. Maybe my first love was too overwhelming for the both of us at such a young age. We were the Romeo and Juliet story. Except neither of us died. Maybe we are both making the same decisions over fear of overwhelming the people we love. Or maybe I’m making this truth about someone I haven’t spoken to in years, in my head, just so that I feel less alone.

I’ve been finding myself searching for anyone who would make me feel less alone. Anyone that has ever given me emotional intimacy I am running to. I want more of that. I want to see if that well has run dry, I want to feel. I want to know that I am loved for more than my body or the witty things I say. Not because I am easy going and whole, but because I am extraordinary. I want to feel extraordinary. It’s not that I don’t know that I am. It would just be nice to feel that someone has found me and didn’t need to think too hard before choosing me.  Am I too good to be true or am I just not good enough?

A former friend had this logic that because neither of us felt whole in our families growing up, marriage was something that we particularly needed.  That it would make us feel special and wanted.  But then again, that feeling only happens when you are swept off your feet. Not if you decide to get married after almost a decade of being together. After all of these feelings of intimacy have swarmed in your head. After every upward next step into the relationship felt like a one-sided fight. What’s so special about something that took so much conversation and caution to happen when neither party believe in the ideologies of marriage on paper? I don’t want it anymore! I may be convincing myself that I don’t want the thing I want, because deep down I feel as if I’ll never get it. But regardless it’s happened. I don’t want it anymore! What I want is grand gestures that show me that I am without a question extraordinary in my partner’s eyes even if romance is not their forte. Romance is just a beautiful synchronicity. It’s when love, planning, intimacy and attentiveness come together. Am I not worth the effort?

In the past year I have surrounded myself with artists. Artists in their late 20’s and early 30’s that love hard, but have also settled down for the most part.  With them I get my daily source of magic. I see it; I feel it and KNOW it exists. We are all extraordinary. We all know it. We wouldn’t be able to do our jobs otherwise. However, seeing the way in which we make sure to show the others that we see it too is something that makes my heart swell up. It’s intimate, attentive, loving and the words and gestures are planned so carefully. We are all creators of magic and marriage is the ultimate form of creating that magic if your heart is in the right place. For many it is the one time they feel that magic so the ceremony is held at the highest regard. What I want is not the ring or the party. What I want is to know that someone has chosen me to be the vessel they express their intimacy with consistently. What I want is the promise of that magic.

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Great News

It’s been some time since I’ve posted anything new and I am thinking of getting back to it, but there is only one of me and there are other projects I am working on. I miss reading your stories and connecting with you all. In the meantime please follow me on MEDIUM and like or “clap” to any articles that speak to you. This is my way of monetizing my writing and it is a great motivator for me to prioritize writing as a medium.


Ana

 

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Approval

Yesterday I listened to The Middle by Jimmy Eat World, a song I used to listen to when I was an outcast in high school; a song that, in my adult life, I always skip. But this time there was a huge train delay and I felt like I needed to hear it. So I played the song as I went through the tunnel. As I walked down the  subway tunnel that takes you from the red and yellow line to the blue line at 42nd street times square, a line I no longer take but needed to due to delays, I heard a woman with a guitar sing in a low reassuring voice.  She sang, “ It just takes some time, little girl. You’re in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright.”

In wanting approval from the people who should have loved me, I have taken little risks. I still don’t have the life that I want. And they still don’t love me unconditionally.  So this is me resigning. I am ripping apart the contract that held my dreams hostage for years. I am no longer adhering to their conditions.

It’s always been easy for me to do the right thing. I have always been the perfect student. The valedictorian. Career-driven and selfless. The perfect child, always home on time, never disobeyed. I went through a life crisis in the 7th grade when I got my first non-A grade. Those grades defined me. So who was I now that I had gotten my first B?

I’d been curbing behaviors in order to fit in. I thought I was growing as a person by shrinking down the weird in me. And now that I am able to pass as normal I regret not being a freak this entire time. Being normal is not for me. It’s hard. Every day is a battle. I respect those who others put down more than those who do the put downs. I want to be part of the first group. I will never fully fit into the second.

At the age of 12 I realized that I wanted to join a circus. I never felt like I belonged. And now that I pass as someone who does belong, I realize that I never will. At least not here. I am changing my life. By this time next year I hope to be the person that I truly am, all of the time, the way the world made me. No more fighting it. “Self growth” should not come at the expense of your dreams.

I went home that day and listened to The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. The song that came after was Hear You Hear Me, the song I was listening to when I found out that Mr. Gallagher, my 40-year-old musical theater teacher, had died of a heart attack the night before.

After 3 years of him being my primary teacher in high school, just a week before I got the news, I looked him in the eyes and thanked him. Not out loud, but in my mind. For some reason the universe gave me the opportunity to appreciate his presence while he was still alive. That moment of thanking him, although it was in my head, meant a lot to me. It was the first time I felt grateful to be alive; grateful to have known someone. He was the second person to ever make me feel like I had to fight for my life rather than submit to my depression. The first was my 6th grade dance teacher.

Thank you Patrick Gallagher for showing me that life is wonderful as long as you are doing what you love. You left us too early. I still add in “look at my buuutt” when I sing the lead song from Chicago the musical. Being part of your cabaret is something that I relive constantly. It’s something that I work towards living forever.

On that day, on the subway, things that never happen on their own happened together and they happened around me. The universe may not be on my side, but it is letting me know that it is there. To be honest, I don’t think the universe is on anyone’s side. It is just harmonizing energy that whispers as we live, like how plants  grow when we talk to them and give out a scent when we cut them too soon. It is non-bias. It exists with you, not for you. But on that day and other days like this, it spoke to me and I listened.

P.s. I am currently focusing on my career in UX and Digital Marketing. Thus, the sporadic posts. If you have any leads for NYC feel free to contact me. I appreciate being part of this community and will pay it forward. Thank you! 

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Sinking Ship

We both filled our buckets with water
Struggling to stop this ship from sinking
But you weren’t working as hard as you said you were
Instead you spent your time making tinny pricks
As you stabbed the floorboards while I wasn’t looking
So I kicked you off our ship for trying to sink it
There are better things to focus on
Than filling buckets with ocean water and throwing it back into its body

Toxic Friend-Ship
@quartervida 

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