(no title)

April 15, 2013

I once left my cage…

This morning as Coldplay’s “Life in Technicolor II,” plays on my I-pod I cannot help but think of that one time that I was truly free. And every time I hear “No cars go,” or “Daylight,” I cannot help, but tear up a little and smile.

I think that every couple of years you are free. I believe that what traps us back is our wanting to do more and be more. Our motivation for survival will lock you back in until you have the time and money to escape again. By escape I do not mean a vacation. By escape I mean into something else and someone else. It is to re-discover the world around you. I also believe that this freedom is not something that just comes in our lives as we sit and wait. It is something that we must make room for. Every once in a while we must plan to open the cage door. And this must be done for a long time, because for the initial stages of freedom you wouldn’t know that the door was open. Living in a cage for so long, even once the door is open, you wouldn’t know how to get out.

That is why 2 years ago, while going to college full time and working 14 hr work days as a supervisor, I saved up for my freedom. I did not know what I would be doing; I just knew that I would be free soon. I told my managers and friends that I will be leaving soon, but I didn’t know where or when, I just felt that it was time.

One day during another one of my long shifts I took a 10 minute break. I told my manager at the time that I needed to make some calculations and if they were correct then it was my time to go. Ten minutes later I put in my notice.

It took me for what it seems like forever to feel comfortable with my time. For once the time was truly mine. It took me for what it seems like forever to get rid of as many watches as possible and live without an alarm. To wake up every day and not know what was waiting for me. To remember when the sun would set and go to bed when the sun would rise.

This was during the summer, so I did not have classes to attend; nothing to wake up to, no one to look after and no one to keep track of me.
One day my childhood best friend invited me to an 12 person bike run for the end goal of giant pizza exactly 100 blocks south. I replied, “Why not?” After that a lot changed.

I for once felt truly free. Everyone that I met that summer I have never known before. Most that I met that summer I no longer speak to, but not because of anything that occurred, but I think there was a mutual understanding that this was a world that would only exist then and never again.
I left everything that ever bothered me behind. There was no one to remind me of who I was, just people who reminded me of the person that I wanted to become.
That summer all I woke up for was ridding, performing and bartending. I had three different lives and like a polygamist with three different wives, they all loved each other, I loved them all and none interfered with the other.

The train door opens at Canal street and for a second my mind blanks out. I felt somewhat lost again. I do not regret having a 9-5 and I do know that one day soon I will be truly free again, in a dissimilar way.
What I learned from that summer was that the freedom depends on you. You are the one who opens the gate in your cage. This will allow you to bring those who you want in, kick those who you want out and best of all, it will allow you to leave as you may and come as you please.

April 10, 2013

comments 4

Do They Deserve My Kindness?

Last night on my train ride home I rode in a train car where all of the seats were taken. I was exhausted and carrying a heavy bag. An older woman in her mid 50s stumbles in who appears to be partially blind. I wonder why no one is offering the seat when I realize that she is dressed nicely, wearing a wedding ring and carrying a prominent newspaper. That’s when it dawns on me; it is the same reason why some people offer their seats to children and mothers, but not to well of elders and pregnant women. As if children need to sit, when what they truly need is discipline.

We look for a while, we judge and then we conclude if this person deserves our kindness before we offer to be kind. As if we somehow dressed in gold that morning and concluded to be lady justice who stands in the middle of misfortune and luck deciding who to give more good fortune to.

To not love because you feel as if someone has been loved enough or to withhold kindness because they have been lucky in life, in your eyes is not a valid reason. As if we know the inner workings of their world. Is it that we do not have the capability to be kind or do we feel entitled to something more? Are some people trying to get back at life by showing those that seem to be better off what’s what by not contributing?

Common curtsey is not so common anymore, because of people like this; those of us who judge and weigh in before deciding if we want to be decent human beings or not; Those who don’t know the elementary of science and space to realize that the world does not revolve around them. Yes, some people are tired and do not have anything left in them. But why must we rank and judge before we are kind?
It is the same reason why many people play the part of the victim all the time. It is the same reason why they value weakness rather than strength. Those who can only be kind to the weak and regularly have struggles in which they vocalize constantly in order to benefit from the kindness of others. It is an endless cycle. It is weak hearted people like them that in the end create more weakness in the world.
It is the same reason why regardless of how insecure you might feel if you are gifted genetically as women many other women feel no need to compliment, but fish for compliments.
As if there is a debt that must be paid by the better looking minority for being born a certain way. As if those who have worked to be stronger do not deserve kindness.

Next time you want to offer a hand don’t think twice, just do it, because asking yourself if someone deserves your kindness all on its own just proves just how little you have in you, and how weak you really are.

April 3, 2013

comment 1

I Pledge….

To have no healthcare is to be truly alone.

The thought of not being able to get a checkup almost brings me to tears. Here I am at work on the verge of a breakdown simply, because every time I do not feel well, it can easily be a life and death situation.

I am suffering from night sweats and incredible pain in my right arm. I also have spinal problems. And for someone whose ongoing goal is to be strong both physically and mentally. The thought of being anything less than strong in any of those areas is not only frightening, but infuriating.

It is simply not fair that I must worry about survival at such a primate level when I live in a country that considers itself to be so advanced.

I was watching the news the other day and Brook Shields (some person who was famous once) was speaking of her brush with Cancer. They asked her if she looks at life in a different light after her cancer was cured and she answered no. Then they asked her if she learned anything from this experience and she said, “I have learned that you must take care of yourself and get checked once a year, because I found out about my cancer with a regular yearly checkup and was able to stop it before it progressed.” I never in my 24 years of existence thought that I would get angry at any statement resembling that one by Brook Shields. But I did.

I got just as angry at that statement as I did two months ago when I found out that not only would I not be getting any income tax money back this year, but that I owed them money. Me, a 24 year old, who is still paying of student loans, who has never received help from her parents and hasn’t had health insurance in almost four years! I owed the government money? Who would have thought that unbreakable me would break down in an H&R Block office? My tax expert began to get teary eyed as she told me how her daughter is 22 and it breaks her heart that even though her daughter has never had to work a day in her life she daily sees people like me who remind her so much of her daughter breaking down as their feelings of betrayal from the very country that has raised them could not be contained.

The feeling of betrayal by something so ambiguous is frightening. Your country, that one which you were forced to sing to, put your right hand to your heart and pledge to since kindergarten has betrayed you. It is a feeling of betrayal unlike any other. It is the feeling that a child feels when they have been abandoned by their parents in the rain, without an umbrella or notice as to when they’ll be back. A person might cheat and lie to you, but when your country simply does not care about you then what do you call that?

I feel as if I am constantly being bullied by something bigger than myself, bigger than you, bigger than my generation. We are being bullied, while the government stands on the sidelines and does nothing. Yes, at times they might propose a law that might benefit those that come after you. They might tell the bully, no, not tell, propose that instead of kicking you 100 times a year, they might try to kick you only 99 times a year. What is the point of that when you’re already bruised and numb?

Since the age of 14, I can say that I have been independent. But it was only when I lost my healthcare that I felt truly alone.

March 29, 2013

comments 2

Go on, just go on without them. Save yourself.

To be weak in a world where everyone must stand on their own two feet is to be selfish. This is once again a harsh reality message from your one and only. I am always the candle that lights others around them, but I have to admit that I am no Buddha and it is in human nature that when one offers a hand their entire arm can be ripped off leaving only the feeling of what once was.

I am not stating that my arm has been ripped off in any way shape or form. But the only reason why that has not happened is, because I have my other hand to wail at those trying to take advantage. It has come to the point that both hands have become tired and must rest.

So please do your part to keep yourself alive. Don’t be the guy in the natural disaster movie with a broken leg that everyone else has to carry, even though they are striving to survive as well. Because you know what ?!? That guy with the broken leg always dies in the movie. It is natural for others to want to save him, even though they know how much of a burden he is or even if he is yelling at them to “just go on without me.” It is natural human nature to try to save another… even at your own risk.

But what I have learned is that sometimes you must go on without him and leave him behind, because in the end when someone is not willing to take care of themselves that job is often given to those around them. And one has no choice but to accept the responsibility of that other person. Shit, someone has to after all.

Of course, I am speaking of those with almost the same recourses available to them. I am not saying to not help the starving child or family who cannot provide for themselves no matter how hard they try. What I am telling you is that sometimes you have to leave some behind in order to save yourself.

That is something that I have yet to learn, but am learning everyday and re-training myself to do.

From here on out, I will be leaving the person with the broken leg and nurturing both of my hands; because they have become tired from the saving.

March 21, 2013

comment 0

If you are being lied to it is because you are allowing others to lie to you.

That can go with just about anything. Sure, there are times when you have no control over how others behave, however if the same things keep happening to you it is because you are allowing them to happened. The amount of control that we have over our own lives is incredible. Every time you feel as if you are done growing, a situation and/or person will force you to either keep growing to the point where you are untouchable and absolutely nothing can control the outcome of your day or you become miserable.

The way I live my life is as follows:

Bliss.Problem.Solution.Bliss

Simple, right?

However some people live their lives like so:

Problem. Excuse. The feeling of being ok. Problem. Solution that cures side affects but doesn’t get rid of actual problem. Feeling OK. Problem. Excuse. Bliss. Problem. Excuse.

For the last couple of years I have felt untouchable. Every year I put myself outside of my comfort zone and come out a winner. Nothing could change my day.

Lately, however things have been changing the outcome of my day. Changing the way I feel about myself at night. At first I was confused. Then I felt miserable, but now that I have identified the problem and done my research I am going to solve it.

My solution is to avoid the problem. When you are around someone whose vibe simply sucks and you are the kind of person that needs to solve problems, you feel depleted at the end of the day. Sometimes the best solution is to get away from certain people.
At the end of the day, it is your fault and your fault only if you know the cause of your problems and are not able to do anything about it.

If you feel that “dealing with people” is simply too difficult then leave the planet or learn to deal. One thing you can do is work either in retail or customer service for at least three months. Yes, work with adults that either need you or are not happy. If you are like me and try to learn something new from every experience then you will learn a lot. If this is too much for you then either win the lottery or leave the planet. I would say become rich and famous, but one does not acquire fame by being a wimp.

One of my final phases of becoming someone who can overcome anything is getting rid of guilt. Yes, guilt. It does not make you a horrible person if you don’t have guilt. If you are someone that lives a conscious life and is aware of others then there should be no reason why you would feel guilty. All the time spent on guilt could go into making sure that you never feel unsure about your actions again.

In dealing with needy people, I have learned that they will always find a way to make it about themselves and if you are honest then they will try to make you feel guilty. Luckily for me I have just purchased a lovely guilt shield. Because I should never, ever, have to feel guilty for standing up for myself no matter what the occasion. If you know that you are a sane person and trust your actions then you also know that acting “out of character,” is not something that happens to confident people.

Nothing is out of our control and we can actually be whoever we want to be, but we must first be strong. Without strength your own character will fall apart.