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September 6, 2013

Personal Growth Demands to be Felt…

The reality of my dream

I have a dream world. I have mentioned this before. I’ve lived in this world for years now. When my dream world first came into existence I was about 14 years old. I live in the dream world about 10 days out of the year at night when I go to sleep. Naturally the events that occur within a month in my waking life take a year in dreams. However, the people in my dream world know that I have a waking life. They watch me age, transform and miss me when I am not there. These people are versions of me and I have no choice, but to love them dearly.

The first dream I had I was in a small world. This small planet only had a few buildings and locations. It was about the size of Manhattan. These locations where I spent my time in were my lavish 3 bedroom home with a rooftop balcony, a school and a graveyard. Some of my dreams were lovely. It was just me sitting in my home enjoying the view of my round little green planet while escaping with my friends. Some dreams were downright crazy with me and a few kids (who only existed in my dream world) roaming around the graveyard and falling through hills of ice and sleet. Then there was one dream that made me realize the world I was in. Up until this one dream I was not aware of this other world. I just thought that I was dreaming. Until this one dream I did not realize that I was in fact living a double life that only excised ten days out of the year.

This was the dream that woke me up to the reality of my dreams. I came home to find my family had moved in. These people that I have been trying to keep out for so long have made their way into my world. This home was built inside my mind in order to escape them. However they were inside and the place was a mess. I saw tacky furniture and hoarder living conditions. When I looked at my dad he responded with, “what? You haven’t been here in a while.” At that point I felt the house begin to shake as I searched all over the house with any sign of the home that once stood there months ago. But there was no sign of that. There was no sign of me. Instead it was rubble; the mess I lived in the real world has made its way into my dreams. At that moment I woke up.
The next dream in this world was a week later. I was living there with my family and as I was using the bathroom, the house again began to shake and now it was flooding. My home turned into a ship as we sailed away from the storm that flooded my tinny 360 degree world. I saw whales and sharks in the dark blue night. It was frightening, yet beautiful. Then I woke up.

Another week had passed and this time I was in a railroad cart along with other people of whom I recognized from my now destroyed little world. My family was no longer there. I was relieved to say the least, but the journey was not over. I arrived at what seemed to be a different version of New York. This version was not safe or comfortable, but I had no choice as my tinny little world flooded.

Now all my dreams somehow revolve around these broken down tracks where I run off to have secret meetings. The first time I was in this new place I was afraid and running from my new neighbors who happen to be demons. But now when I am there these demons are my friends. These demons must be me. There is a level of comfort and safety that I feel now that even in my previous little world I must admit I never had. I pass by broken down baby carriages filled with gold jewelry and I feel safe.

The reality of my dream is that I have once again moved. There seems to be another world inside my world and I am not sure whether the expansion of this is good or bad in the long term, but for now this is the only place that I feel safe

September 4, 2013

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Lost and Found

I need to give up the hope that I will ever be good enough for my mother.

My father stopped calling me a few months back. He now has Facebook. So he Facebook messages me. I think its more convenient. He also likes a Facebook post or picture to show hes proud of me. After graduating from college, living on my own and being self sufficient for six years this year counted yet another year where I would go without a birthday gift from my dad. He would schedule being with his kids the way I schedule playing with my cat.

My friends ask me if my parents live far away. It would be understandable if that was so, but both of my parents live less than a mile away. I don’t want to see my mother and my dad doesn’t put in the effort to see me.

Sometimes I live my life and not a thought would be put into the facts above. And then there are days like these were my mother once again says something manipulative and I am brought back. However, regardless of how peaceful and wise I have become there is not one day where I do not live my life with hatred. It is a very tiny piece of me, but it is there.

At the age of 24 I finally found myself. And not like a 20 year old finds themselves on a trip to the Brazilian rain forest. I finally feel like I belong. Not only in my body, but in this world. Looking back at the fact that I was never good enough for my mother it is not so strange to think how a child could feel so out of place in her own skin.Every once in a while I call one of my brothers to remind me that I am not crazy.

Imagine wanting to learn to ride a bike at the age of 4, falling down and because you cried your mother told you not to get on another bike again. Now imagine being six years old and as the little kids zoom by on their bikes, your mother asks you why you never learned to ride a bike and why it is that other kids can and you cant. Now imagine being six and not knowing why it is that you cannot do the things that other kids do when you look the same as they do.Imagine thinking that you were a defect. I finally learned to ride at the age of eleven with no help from my parents. At the age of ten my mom would remind me that I never learned to ride a bike, but when I asked her if I could buy one so that I can one day learn her excuse for not getting me one is that I didn’t know how to ride one.

Asking for my mothers love is like getting a job straight out of college. When going to college you spend time and money on your education. Passing classes and finishing credits while keeping your GPA up. You engulf yourself in your major. When graduating and getting into the workforce you are turned away, because you need experience. Getting a job straight out of college is a catch 22 and so was getting my mother to love me.

I speak in past tense, because I want very badly to believe that I do not care. I want to believe that I once did, but now I don’t. Yet, every time she stabs me with her words I somehow seem to go down.

I need to give up the hope that I will ever be good enough for my mother.

August 29, 2013

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Mood Rings

When I was in the 4th grade I was obsessed with mood rings and glitter. I realized after my fourth mood ring that the colors could be changed by putting the ring under water.

Cold water would turn the ring dark blue, dark red and if the water was really cold the ring would turn completely black. When the ring was put under warm water the opposite would happen. The ring would turn a light green or violet. It didn’t take a rocket scientist or someone older than 10 to realize that mood rings worked according to body temperature. Meaning that when the ring is green and you’re happy your body is also warm. On the other hand when the ring is of an amber hue and you are feeling tense your body is also cold. Much like when you get goose bumps from feeling frightened or chilly. Once I put two and two together I knew that our body temperature changes due to our emotions.

To make a long story short your mind is so powerful that it can change your body temperature thus the way your body reacts to the environment. Your body is the minds form of communication. This is why you often see perfectly healthy people who happen to always be sick. What they are is sick is in the mind. And that, my friends is what I learned from observation when I was nine thanks to my obsession with mood rings.

August 21, 2013

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Please listen…. Before it stops talking

“Ay algien para todos,” it’s what people in the Dominican Republic say when they see an unattractive or clearly crazy person. This translates to, “there is someone for everyone.” Yes, it is a backhanded compliment, because just like all negatives have a silver lining you must be realistic in knowing that unearned positives also have a dark lining. So, yes there is someone out there who will love this clearly unattractive/crazy person. However this person is clearly unattractive and/or crazy.

We must see the world for what it is and not believe all the contradictions that we make up for our fragile egos in the process of acceptance. We must accept ourselves for what we truly are. How can someone call themselves unique and at the same time have their life revolve around the idea of changing the way others view you? If you are trying so hard to change yourself then you do not believe that you are unique, you only think that you are different. Different is a defect. Defects are worthless. Unique is useful, unique is beautiful.

Whatever it is, you must own it. If you love your body, own it. Do what you want with it, however if you want to change your body exercise and eat healthy, don’t cheat yourself by eating junk food at all hours of the night and sneaking in diet pills. Work for what you want and you will earn it. Everything that is earned can never be taken away from you, because it is yours and yours alone.

It is this sense of shame and hiding that I find different in Americans than people whose parents or themselves are from another country. People in the western world have an idea that they should be happy with themselves so they overwork their minds and try to cheat their way into happiness by taking so many pills that next time a decision is made they won’t know whose making it anymore.

Newsflash! It is ok to not be happy with yourself. Unhappiness is your brain telling you that you, your life or a combination of both suck. Unhappiness is your brain telling you to look deep into yourself, do the work and change. Instead, in the American culture we shut our brains up with pills. Studies show that your brain can improve the chemicals in your body and the way it heals. Having chemical imbalance is not a problem; it is a side effect of your brain trying to tell you to change. Everything our brain feels is our body trying to speak to us the only way it knows how.

Please listen…. Before it stops talking.

August 9, 2013

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Take the good. The Rest is Garbage.

As someone over the age of 21 it is your job to know why you do the things that you do. Often times you realize why you did what you did after it has been done. However it is oftentimes the things that you cannot find a reason for that are the most fulfilling.

I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship, because you just “love” the person and you don’t know why. You should know why you love a person. That is not what this is about. It is about your five senses. All of the things that you originally enjoyed hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting and smelling that you will always come back to. You see, I didn’t have a “normal,” childhood. I am re-learning to be a child through adulthood, so as soon as I was able to do anything for myself I ran. I ran in the opposite direction and I ran as fast as I could. I did not want to be an outcome of my environment. I wanted to be me and I wanted to know that the only reason why I liked what I did were mine and mine alone.

In looking for my passion and calling the same question of what I liked before “reality” set in comes along. When finding your passion, you will be asked by others and yourself what your main passions where as a child. I find that this is a good question, however it is also bullshit. Although your heart knows what it wants when you are younger, it also does not know if it is a product of you or your parents. Doing something, because your parents trained you to like it is not passion. And I never had an initial something that I wanted to be. I only knew what I liked. All my parents wanted for me was to survive and I think I have surpassed those expectations so without pressure from anyone I am finding my true self.

I realized that when I was younger the foods I liked and the music I listened too were completely different than what I listen to now. I went from eating only sweets to drinking smoothies, listening to heavy metal to listening to jazz and playing video games to camping. But then there are those days in which I eat mint chocolate chip ice cream, listen to Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Rage against the Machine, Rob Zombie and play a good game. And I cannot recall ever feeling happier.

I can be both what I was and what I am without sacrificing anything. Not many people know all sides of me, because usually those who meditate and do yoga do not listen to heavy metal or those who like the outdoors and playing music, usually do not enjoy video games. It is sad to see that people choose one or the other and use an activity as an excuse to not be good at anything else. If you play an instrument you should still have enough time to not look like a weakling. If you are good at fashion and makeup, you should still be able to go camping. Also, being pretty doesn’t make you dumb and neither does knowing how to dance or party. And there is No excuse why you shouldn’t know how to dance. I cannot trust someone who doesn’t like to dance. Take your past and defy it. Find the good things in life and live them all. Be them all.

I now find myself recreating Nine Inch Nails songs on my jazz bass and singing along. Doing yoga three days a week and playing video games in between. Every year I try to learn more about makeup and fashion and every year I plan an escape in nature. I am a homebody, but I can easily be the life of the party.

You cannot use your past as an excuse. It is your job to take the good, throw out the bad and move on. Only keep with you the things that enrich your life. The rest is garbage.