As someone over the age of 21 it is your job to know why you do the things that you do. Often times you realize why you did what you did after it has been done. However it is oftentimes the things that you cannot find a reason for that are the most fulfilling.
I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship, because you just “love” the person and you don’t know why. You should know why you love a person. That is not what this is about. It is about your five senses. All of the things that you originally enjoyed hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting and smelling that you will always come back to. You see, I didn’t have a “normal,” childhood. I am re-learning to be a child through adulthood, so as soon as I was able to do anything for myself I ran. I ran in the opposite direction and I ran as fast as I could. I did not want to be an outcome of my environment. I wanted to be me and I wanted to know that the only reason why I liked what I did were mine and mine alone.
In looking for my passion and calling the same question of what I liked before “reality” set in comes along. When finding your passion, you will be asked by others and yourself what your main passions where as a child. I find that this is a good question, however it is also bullshit. Although your heart knows what it wants when you are younger, it also does not know if it is a product of you or your parents. Doing something, because your parents trained you to like it is not passion. And I never had an initial something that I wanted to be. I only knew what I liked. All my parents wanted for me was to survive and I think I have surpassed those expectations so without pressure from anyone I am finding my true self.
I realized that when I was younger the foods I liked and the music I listened too were completely different than what I listen to now. I went from eating only sweets to drinking smoothies, listening to heavy metal to listening to jazz and playing video games to camping. But then there are those days in which I eat mint chocolate chip ice cream, listen to Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Rage against the Machine, Rob Zombie and play a good game. And I cannot recall ever feeling happier.
I can be both what I was and what I am without sacrificing anything. Not many people know all sides of me, because usually those who meditate and do yoga do not listen to heavy metal or those who like the outdoors and playing music, usually do not enjoy video games. It is sad to see that people choose one or the other and use an activity as an excuse to not be good at anything else. If you play an instrument you should still have enough time to not look like a weakling. If you are good at fashion and makeup, you should still be able to go camping. Also, being pretty doesn’t make you dumb and neither does knowing how to dance or party. And there is No excuse why you shouldn’t know how to dance. I cannot trust someone who doesn’t like to dance. Take your past and defy it. Find the good things in life and live them all. Be them all.
I now find myself recreating Nine Inch Nails songs on my jazz bass and singing along. Doing yoga three days a week and playing video games in between. Every year I try to learn more about makeup and fashion and every year I plan an escape in nature. I am a homebody, but I can easily be the life of the party.
You cannot use your past as an excuse. It is your job to take the good, throw out the bad and move on. Only keep with you the things that enrich your life. The rest is garbage.