I am redefining myself and conquering my fears. In doing so I have found that I am afraid of reaching my true potential. I have letters from people who I have helped out in huge ways. Not all have written letters and I have not admitted this before, but I feel that everyone who gets close to me has to be a better person than when they first meet me. It is my way of making an impact. I have always been an unintentional leader, because I have never felt pressured nor found it difficult to make decisions. However, when people follow I freeze. I am no longer close to the people who I have helped. In a way I feel that they have taken a part of me with them.
In the 6th grade my teacher made up the common sense award just for me. It was a giant penny. Get it? Get it? It was very funny back in the 6th grade. I was also a very quiet child and found that when I made a statement, I would get ridiculed while others would copy me weeks later. This has made me afraid of losing a part of myself to others. I’ve always wanted to be a voice, but although imitation is the sincerest form of flattery I somehow feel taken aback by it. I want to be able to guide others on their individual journey through life, not become a literal example. People need to understand that one cannot use the same products and follow the same routines as another and expect the same results. I find it life’s cruel joke that I now live with someone who copies things that I say and purchase. It is teaching me to understand my own soul. It has taught me that I am not my body; I am not even my mind, what I am is something that cannot be taken away from me. What I am is my soul.
I am on the verge of becoming who I truly wish to be and I have not trademarked myself yet. I would like for others to light their candle in my flame, but I also see that my flame is still growing and my candle has been lit for quite some time. I do not want my flame to light the path of others while my wax runs out. Spiritually I am almost to a point where I will no longer care for what others decide to copy from me. As an artist, however I find it disrespectful to have qualities and traits imitated without a true incentive. It is a fight between my ego and my spirit.
Until I stop fearing the inevitable I will not be able to rise to my full potential. I will always have things to say. Even as a quiet 5th grade valedictorian, I had things to say. Always have and always will. The consequences to my actions are that one day people will listen. The literal copying of the products I buy and the things I say I will never feel comfortable with, but I have learned to distance myself from that. One day nothing will harm me. Until then I must accept my fears and discomforts.
I am not my body, I am not even my mind…. and neither are you.
Pingback: They thank me … Then I block them | quartervidacrisis.