At the head of the table I sat. Arms open and legs crossed on a chair. She looked at me and said, “You see me.” I was able to see her, because she saw me too. She didn’t mean that in the room full of people sitting at the conference table she was able to physically see me. She meant that I saw her as a person, understood and accepted her fully. I was comfortable. I was at home in my own body, even in a place I was itching to get out of, ultimately I was home and I was visible.
This occurred during one of my last meetings as a store manager and Liya’s last day as a regional manager. To be around others who can truly see and understand you without having to explain yourself is a blessing. When you keep true to yourself all of the amazing parts of you become apparent. When you are not true to yourself all of the negative qualities crawl into your life without your permission. If you let this happen you might wake up one day wondering who you are and how you got there.
There is a core. We all have one. It is who you are without the things you like or the things you are good at. It is not who you want to be or who you once were. Your core is who you’ve always been and who you will always be.
It is a mountain of confidence. The unchanging, the base of your wants and needs. Those who constantly spend time trying to tell others who they are rather than genuinely being live in hiding. The core reveals itself without your permission. Lately I have lost my connection and awareness with my core. Meditation helps bringing it back into focus. Also doing something that you have always been good at inherently brings your core into focus.
I lost focus of my core, because I was trying to tell others who I was and became disconnected in the process. After all, this is a major reason why our teenage years are so confusing. We are at a time in our lives where we want to make ourselves known when we in fact have little awareness of who we truly are.
I gained my awareness from meditation and doing something I was always passionate about and genuinely good at. After joining Muay Thai my years of kicking a used mattress at home (growing up poor we couldn’t afford punching bags) and Tae Kwon Do was apparent to my teachers. There is written history in your muscles called muscle memory. This history is reflected in every move you make. Yes, our bodies are beautiful, extraordinary creations aren’t they? My Muay Thai masters are able to read that history. When I practice I am seen. When I am seen I am reminded of the person that I am. When I am reminded of who I am all things become clear and I am once again the sole driver in full control of my life.
The years I suffered from depression from the age of five up until my second year of Junior high came back to me when I joined Muay Thai. When I was younger I didn’t necessarily want to die, I just sometimes wish I was never born in the first place. Much like the Bohemian Rhapsody song. Through my years of depression I never stopped fighting. I didn’t know I was depressed. All I knew was that singing and martial arts felt good. Eventually that was all I wanted to do. It wasn’t until my mother took me to the doctor for being underweight that I myself realized I was depressed. I was underweight, because I was addicted to working out. In the 6th grade I would work out at least 5 or 6 times a week. It was never about body image, working out just felt right. I spoke to my then pediatrician and she advised me not to stop, because my mood changed dramatically for the better. Instead my doctor gave me appetite prescription so that I would be able to eat enough calories in a day to sustain my addiction. She then went on to congratulating me for self-curing my depression. I never thought I was depressed, I was just very numb to everything. I never felt, all I knew was that I didn’t want to be wherever I was at the moment all of the time. I lived my life constantly anxious to be somewhere else. Only to find myself somewhere else and not wanting to be there either. The only thing that made me feel present was martial arts. My ‘problem,’ ended up being the thing that saved me and continues to save me. This goes for anything anyone is ever truly passionate about.
Finding a home within yourself can be a catch 22. The more you try to manipulate your image the more you lose yourself. When you look within and just be, there is no need for show. This is why self-promoters and marketers often need to go to therapy. They become disconnected with the self in trying to connect with the masses and generate dual identities in the process. It is sadly the state of social media. The humble bragger is never free. They are walking oxymoron’s. Understand your core and the right people and opportunities will present themselves as long as you are working towards something. Stop fighting to be understood as the person you want to be seen as and just be. Others interpretation of who you are is just that. It is an ongoing process of self-reminder. This is me reminding myself and in turn reminding you to look deep within you. Find your core. Your core is the home you take everywhere you go. Find it and take it to the head of the table, because that is where you belong.