I was showering with my clothes on in a cube so small that I had to lower my head to fit. When I stepped back there were hundreds of cubes beside me and it seems that everyone else was doing the same. I do not know why exactly I needed to shower or why I was doing so with my clothes on. I then stepped back without looking and almost fell out of my cube and at that moment I had woken up.
It seems that my dreams are getting more bizarre and vivid. My brain has been trying to tell me something for the last couple of weeks and today it finally spoke to me clearly. Looking up my dreams I realize that I am in a position where I feel that my privacy is being invaded and I am not allowing my full self to live.
Reaching adulthood I feel that the line between who I am and who I need to be has been blurred. I am not an “adult.” Although I may be responsible, humble and helpful I will never be able to do the things that “adults,” do on a daily basis while calling it “nice,” and live with myself. This is, because I know the difference between kindness and niceness and I am a kind person. This is also much like someone I know. This person is at a constant state of pretend. The game of house never ends and he/she never knows how they even feel. This is not the way I want to live my life as an “adult.” I might have to acquire more “A lo foke,” in order to survive and let the thug in me thrive without apologies. For those who don’t know “A lo Foke,” is the act of not having one fuck to give in Dominican.
Lately I have been feeling like “Dexter.” I know that we all have “monsters” inside of us and that doesn’t make me special. However, I also know that we try not to express them even to ourselves. We work so hard on keeping them in that only our subconscious knows. But much like the Swedish Proverb says “Those who wish to sing will find a song.” If you don’t take care of the monsters inside they will find ways to come out when you least expect it. We all have parts of ourselves that we are not fully proud of. And I don’t mean qualities such as not cleaning up after yourself or slamming doors, but something deeper and it is our job to find it. Once we find it we must give it a job in our lives where it feels accepted and tamed so that it doesn’t try to bite you in the ass. I feel that pretty soon I will get bitten.
This “monster,” is like a troubled child. You must love it for what it is, not what you need it to be. My “monster,” is my thug nature. Although I am outspoken, fearless, solution seeking and boss this thug nature also has a negative side. I use all of the positive attributes that life has given me with my struggles and push the negative ones in the corner such as my love for violence, impatience and other characteristics that only Scarface is known to have. I see myself as a nurturing, kind person who constantly wants to improve the lives of others. This thuig-ness does not fit into my personality so I push it aside in the hopes that it will go away. It has been sitting in a corner for too long while I forgive the obviously dim mistakes of others and work hard at my job. However when I don’t give the negative side something to do in its spare time I find that I am lost. I am completely whole as in I know when to use what side of me, but as an “adult,” I have not been able to express them equally. This suppression is dangerous, so I am looking back at what I naturally gravitated towards when I was in my teenage years and I found that the solution lies in video games and horror movies.
I will feed the hippie in me by going to yoga, helping others and planting flowers, but when I am home I must drink some wine, play some Bioshock or Last of Us and watch movies that 99% of the population finds disturbing. Also,although I may be loving I have a short fuse for stupidity. I have pretended to let it slide for so long, but it is time that I react to things naturally, not the way I “should.” Because I do accept my monster child, but it doesn’t know that I love it yet. These dreams are telling me to show it the love it deserves, because it is part of who I am.
You must accept yourself fully and deeply. I am getting closer to that` every day. Once I am there I will finally call myself an adult.