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September 2, 2015

Control

I like making lists. I carry a notebook everywhere I go and look at my phone constantly just so that I can add things on to my list. I like knowing what I will be doing, when, and with who. I like knowing when I will see someone so that I can mentally prepare for them. I am introverted and even if I like someone I have not mastered the art of looking excited. The familiar scares me so I get into unfamiliar situations constantly. I am the most comfortable when I know I shouldn’t be. I feel sometimes that if I don’t write down the things I wish for myself, the bad will creep its way back in.

I like making lists. But most importantly I like crossing things out. Seeing the words that meant so much to me struggle to survive under the dashes. On the phone these things get deleted constantly, but it’s still a metaphorical cross out. Sometimes I write something down that I have already completed just so I can cross it out. I like crossing things out, but more importantly I like having control. The first time I drank alcohol I was four years old, yet I rarely abuse alcohol. It makes me lose control. I like control. I don’t like losing the things I like.

I have recently discovered that my need for control stemmed from my lack of control. This entire time I thought I had full control of my life. Yet I was finding myself complaining about office politics, acquaintances and the lack of love I was feeling. Maybe it is because there is a moon in Virgo. Or maybe it is because going through the motions kills emotions. I was becoming a robot and accepting the feelings situations brought on to me without knowing that I had full control of them. Now when I go to office happy hours I talk about life, not work. I want to know the people I work with as people, not the department they work in. I also made a list of people that I communicate with on social media yet am too awkward to connect with in person. This month I will make it a point to hang out with the five females on my list because I need to be around people I respect and share a genuine connection with, and not those life has chosen for me or have been the most convenient to be around. I also made a list of people I need to clear the air with and another list of people that need to not be primary characters in the show that is my life anymore. Maybe they can have a cameo here and there.

shotbyelisa

When I was younger I was a mousy kid. I was a Goth all the way through middle school and would wear headphones attached to nothing because I just wanted to be left alone. Talking took too much effort and I enjoyed writing too much to trade it in for conversation. In high school I slowly shed my layers. From Goth to punk to rocker to me. I did not know how to fully interact with others. I didn’t fully know how friendships are made. It’s not the friendship itself that surprised me, it’s the origin. I grew up in a family of passive aggressive introverts with an enabling father who doesn’t know what a real hug is and a narcissistic mother. Loving doesn’t come natural to me, but I have so much love to give. I just realized that although it is not in my nature to let my freak flag fly there is something beautiful about the things I find beautiful and I must find others who see them as such too.

There is beauty in the grotesque. There is beauty in the way you can create an entire image while only using shades of grey. There is beauty in knowing that when you find the dark to be appealing it’s because you choose to make this beautiful to you. No one taught you by environment or purpose to love this thing. It is now a part of you, because you choose to love it. There is beauty in choosing to be afraid. In smiling after you’ve watched a horror movie or played an amazing horror game, because you are reminded of your other emotions. Emotions that you choose to feel. Just being a living thing is beautiful when we are capable of feeling so much. There is beauty in understanding that at times life is more disgusting than good. That the ugly will ram its way into your soul, but the good you have to prepare yourself for and find. There is beauty in being able to look the ugly in its face and tell it that you love it. Tell it that it’s OK, then tell yourself that you’re in good company.

grey watercolor art

I met a girl today. She’s quiet and a little awkward, but she’s a good person and sure of herself. I looked her in the eyes and told her that how she looks is how I feel. I like making lists, I put her on the list of people I need to make friends with.

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“A lot of life is dealing with the curse, dealing with the cards you were given that aren’t so nice. Does it make you into a monster, or can you temper it in some way, or accept it and go in some other direction?” – Wes Craven (The guru of gore) R.I.P. You helped us face the terrors of humanity in the most manageable ways.

August 26, 2015

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Plea Deal

We Give meaning to the meaningless when we grasp and grab nothing
The words are always found when they cannot be expressed
That’s when your brain is forced to think of all the ways you want them near
With inner dialogue you bring your love alive
Then you are no longer alone
You have your words
Words that have become the joint between yourself and the other
Equipped with funny bones, flexibility and vulnerability
We give meaning to the meaningless when we grasp and grab nothing
When we want
What we want is to communicate with the other so instead we take a plea deal and start communicating with ourselves
Making imaginary characters out of worshiping between the lines and things unsaid

Plea Deal
#quartervida

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August 19, 2015

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When I Went, There I Was

My vacation ended the moment I began to board my flight back to New York City. During the ten hour flight, I already started to feel like I was in New York. I would need no time to re-adjust once I landed, because New York is a feeling more than it is a location. From the impatience to the rushing and even hearing loud English again, I understood that vacation was officially over. Walking among hurried steps, I could abruptly feel the NYC humidity suffocating me. It was then that I realized that I have become used to living in a constant state of hushed panic. It truly is the concrete jungle. I laugh at those who come to live in New York City and become irritated when they cannot walk the streets in peace. NYC is fun, it is exciting, it is a city of lions, but peaceful it is not. It is not a city that breeds “relaxed” individuals. The occasional born-and-raised New Yorkers who seem relaxed are actually just living in a constant Bruce Lee state of stealth and self-awareness.

On this particular flight, I was returning from Herceg Novi, Montenegro. It is a small city located in the Bay of Kotor, on the Adriatic Sea. On this trip I also visited Dubrovnik, Croatia, where the Lannister island of King’s Landing is filmed for the HBO show Game of Thrones. I look nothing like the people there who are mostly tall and light-skinned with straight hair (in my opinion the most beautiful Europeans I have ever seen). I also do not speak the local language. However, I can honestly say that it felt like home. Not the kind of home that feels familiar, but the other kind. The no matter where you go, there you are, kind. It felt like home because I was fully comfortable in my own skin there, even more so than I am in my actual home, despite the fact that I looked nothing like everyone else and half the time I didn’t know what was going on. Let’s also note that on this trip the main mode of transportation was boating and I get motion sickness. Somehow, I still felt more comfortable in Montenegro. I was fully myself and not once did I question who I was while I was there.

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Montenegro is a beautiful country and I enjoyed my time there. The homey feeling, however, was more due to the fact that I was away from New York than the fact that I was in Montenegro. Every time I go away I feel like I am escaping a mentally abusive relationship. I feel as if I cannot leave it, but I don’t know exactly what is holding me back and wouldn’t know where else to stay. It was a familiar feeling I remember from when I returned from Amsterdam, Spain, Jamaica, Germany, the Dominican Republic, etc. This happens all the time, but this time it dawned on me that it was not just the average post-vacation blues.

In New York City, it seems like everyone’s primary motivation is networking. I know this is also the case in Hollywood and even in other cities and countries, but I cannot write about an experience I have not lived through so I am writing about NYC. If you walk into a party and are not sure if it is a networking party, just listen closely to what people are talking about. If it sounds like they have re arranged their resumes to sound “humble” and are yelling their qualifications to each other over loud music and drinks, then you have just entered a networking event.

In New York City it also seems like most of us are obsessed with our own identities. This goes especially for those who were not born in the city. It’s like the first thing that gets packed before even a toothbrush and a change of underwear is the secondary self. The secondary self is the person you want others to perceive you as while the primary self is the person you truly are. And who can blame them? Who we want to be seen as is often what determines how successful we become. It is also easier to ensure a fresh start. So most of us wear our secondary selves on our sleeves and get little to no breaks from that identity, because almost every social event seems to be a networking event. As a result, the primary self eventually starts to matter less and disappear, leaving us with a false sense of self. Because this remaining, false identity is so superficial and outwardly visible, it feels as if it is easy to steal or imitate. As a result, you either become a “relaxed” person who uses their constant bragging as a shield against identity thieves or easily become defensive in an attempt to protect what is yours. This does not set the stage for a very stable or ‘peaceful’ way of living.

shotbyelisa

I was a victim of the secondary self, especially while growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. However, I have since realized that the primary self needs to be nurtured constantly in order to avoid this. It is an endless balancing act. This means being around people who you want nothing out of or can do nothing for you, simply because they are good company. This means doing and creating 100% of the time and being comfortable with keeping some of it to yourself. Unlike the secondary self which is extremely fragile and demands constant validation and attention, the primary self can never be taken away. NYC is an environment that nurtures secondary self-identities. It is up to us to nurture the true self.

I am happy here in New York, but have learned that if I want to be fully at peace I must go somewhere else. I am starting my breakup process with the city, and I do so out of self-respect. Unfortunately, I have developed trust issues with NYC that cannot be resolved. Until I find the place that balances the peace and homeliness of vacation with the hustle and bustle of NY, I will continue to travel to as many countries and cities as possible, in hopes of finding my perfect home.

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August 12, 2015

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Respect Your Personal Growth and Value Your Presence

Don’t ever feel left out
Where you are is where you belong
Your presence is better off where it is valued
Never mold yourself to the expectation of others
Don’t betray the one person who is always there for you
Don’t betray yourself
Humans are hard wired to fit shapes into it’s respective holes
Like the game all toddlers play
But the real world doesn’t always work that way
You belong where you are valued and with personal growth your value is forever evolving
Keep evolving
Respect your personal growth and value your presence

Value Your Presence
#quartervida

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Twitter: @quartervida

July 22, 2015

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Nostalgia Matters

Every week I take a detox bath. Every week I am more than excited to start. I fill the tub up with a variety of scents, oils and salts. I then bring in my portable radio, a bottle of water and a little something extra. Detox baths take me anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half so I have to come prepared. This week I had to force myself to take a much-needed detox bath. I wasn’t feeling stable and knew that if I didn’t make a conscious effort to make this a positive experience not only would I ruin the bath, but I would ruin my entire week. So naturally I started playing The Cure on my portable radio. I figured that if I already feel horrible I might as well bring out as much pain as I can, and in turn discover the cause of my melancholy state.

Listening to The Cure brought me back more than a decade. I expected tears when listening to their music. Heck, I expect tears every time I take a detox bath. After all that is the point of a detox bath, to allow yourself to have a round table conversation with the person you are, the person you think you are, the person you want to be and the person others see you as. Who wouldn’t cry after such a discussion? However, to my surprise I was crying tears of joy. Looking so many years back made me realize how lucky I am to be able to look back in the first place. Being that I am in my mid 20’s, just a few years ago looking back meant remembering what my favorite cartoon was. This is the first time I have been able to look back and remember being a completely different person consciously, yet also being able to respect that it was always me in that person and that I might just want to bring back some beautiful qualities of the person I used to be. Many of us have learned to associate nostalgia exclusively with being a child or with past pop culture references, to the point that we forget that there is also beauty in the act of looking back at all. There is beauty in being a teenager just as much as being a child. There is so much beauty in being human.

Listening to The Cure brought me back to my first love. I remember the happiest time of my teenage years and it comes back to one specific day. I will never forget seeing his face as I woke up from a nap. I would never want to go back to that time or person, but that’s the beauty in it.
Yes, our initial reaction is to remind ourselves of how stupid we were then. But my initial reaction was gratitude. Rediscovering anything in life is the beauty of getting old. I will never in my adult life, with all the knowledge I’ve acquired, the self- esteem I’ve built and interests/projects that have taken up a lot of my time, put anyone on such a pedestal that their existence alone is my pure source of happiness. (I am excluding having a child from this, because although I can imagine that having a child must feel like your first love, I do not know the feeling). Being able to look back is always a blessing. I was able to re live the feeling all over again without the consequences and in an odd way it made me feel better about the present.

Seeing the same in a deeper, different light over and over again is a beautiful thing and an honor. At that moment I fell deeper in love with my life. What a beautiful thing it is to have the pleasure of getting old.