” I can draw, I’m creative!!” Says the payroll accountant. She continues, ” I took a quiz that would determine which career would be best for me. Do you know what the answer was?? Payroll Accountant!!” At that moment, not from sheer coincidence or irony, but from such a deep sadness and fear for our future as a whole, I began to laugh hysterically. At that moment she insisted on telling me that everyone of her friends can’t help but laugh either. Are her friends just as frightened as I am? I do not think that anyone is prepared to face the truth that lies behind the hard work. The sad truth that it may not pay off. That all our lives we work for something that we think might bring “happiness,” when in fact the only thing that we are working for is survival, such as the animals in the wild. That the entire time, I have envied the animals in the wild for having one thing to care for. Survival.
For one, I have never known happiness without work. Maybe happiness is just a figment of our imagination. Maybe there are a few whose sole purpose in life is to survive. I do believe that I was put on this earth to do better, however I also believe that I might be one of the few who live with simple purpose rather than with satisfaction.
In life as a human being, perception is everything. My perception of the world is an unfair and bleak one. One where promises are always broken and what you work for is nothing compared to what you will actually be getting. My perceptions of the world is in a constant struggle from what I see to what I believe. I see unfairness, but I believe in my heart in the energy that the world is putting out and taking in and I believe there is a balance. I believe this deep in my heart. This belief is what will keep me going if I find myself having to choose between life or death. However for this belief I have no proof.
Life hasn’t given me any reason to believe what I do about the world. Yet I still do…. strongly. Is this what you call hope? However I think that this belief is not strong enough, If ever I do find myself with heavy eyelids and someone that loves me dearly hovering over me telling me that I have to keep fighting, that I have to stay awake if I want to survive. To stay strong and awake so that I can survive with resilience. I, at this moment wouldn’t know if I would choose to keep my eyes open through the struggle or to close them in peace.
Would I close my eyes and let it be or would I fight? Will there be any fight left in me? If I do choose to fight through the pain will I do so for myself or for others? Will my grandiose self of self keep me alive, because in my heart I believe that I have a purpose in this world and I cannot deprive it of me? What will I choose? I thought I would know the answer to this question…. I thought I knew.
I thought I knew a lot of things. I thought that those above me were there because they have worked harder. Because they are simply smarter than I. I thought that those above me where there, because there is simply something about them that has given them that throne. The fact is that those above me are there due to 25% hard work, 25% intelligence and 50% luck.
I have never had much luck. I do not know if it is perpetual. If it is because my parents did a shitty job at making me feel lucky as a child so therefore I have no luck. Was I born without it? Is my perception of the world wrong. Does the world give a fuck?
Is hard work something that (as crazy as it sounds) you have to work on in order to become more resilient? Or is it like a battery? Will I one day run out. Does everyone get the same hard work battery life span? How long is mine? Am I, at the age of 23 done?
I come back upstairs from my smoke break with the payroll accountant who is also 23, and resume to answering e-mails. At that moment I realize that it is not so much about what you CAN do, but what the world allows you to do.