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Why I Don’t Want to get Married

Last year it was everyone. This year it’s everyone else. Sending congratulations never felt so disingenuous. It’s not that I particularly want to get married, but I’d like to think that I am not only capable of love, but also capable of the kind of love that would overwhelm someone with excitement. Sometimes I wonder if this is happening to me, because I am afraid of overwhelming others. Because I was raised to believe that I was too much to handle. Even as a valedictorian shy kid around town. Or maybe I choose the wrong people. Maybe my first love was too overwhelming for the both of us at such a young age. We were the Romeo and Juliet story. Except neither of us died. Maybe we are both making the same decisions over fear of overwhelming the people we love. Or maybe I’m making this truth about someone I haven’t spoken to in years, in my head, just so that I feel less alone.

I’ve been finding myself searching for anyone who would make me feel less alone. Anyone that has ever given me emotional intimacy I am running to. I want more of that. I want to see if that well has run dry, I want to feel. I want to know that I am loved for more than my body or the witty things I say. Not because I am easy going and whole, but because I am extraordinary. I want to feel extraordinary. It’s not that I don’t know that I am. It would just be nice to feel that someone has found me and didn’t need to think too hard before choosing me.  Am I too good to be true or am I just not good enough?

A former friend had this logic that because neither of us felt whole in our families growing up, marriage was something that we particularly needed.  That it would make us feel special and wanted.  But then again, that feeling only happens when you are swept off your feet. Not if you decide to get married after almost a decade of being together. After all of these feelings of intimacy have swarmed in your head. After every upward next step into the relationship felt like a one-sided fight. What’s so special about something that took so much conversation and caution to happen when neither party believe in the ideologies of marriage on paper? I don’t want it anymore! I may be convincing myself that I don’t want the thing I want, because deep down I feel as if I’ll never get it. But regardless it’s happened. I don’t want it anymore! What I want is grand gestures that show me that I am without a question extraordinary in my partner’s eyes even if romance is not their forte. Romance is just a beautiful synchronicity. It’s when love, planning, intimacy and attentiveness come together. Am I not worth the effort?

In the past year I have surrounded myself with artists. Artists in their late 20’s and early 30’s that love hard, but have also settled down for the most part.  With them I get my daily source of magic. I see it; I feel it and KNOW it exists. We are all extraordinary. We all know it. We wouldn’t be able to do our jobs otherwise. However, seeing the way in which we make sure to show the others that we see it too is something that makes my heart swell up. It’s intimate, attentive, loving and the words and gestures are planned so carefully. We are all creators of magic and marriage is the ultimate form of creating that magic if your heart is in the right place. For many it is the one time they feel that magic so the ceremony is held at the highest regard. What I want is not the ring or the party. What I want is to know that someone has chosen me to be the vessel they express their intimacy with consistently. What I want is the promise of that magic.

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4 Comments

  1. Wise thoughts. A pleasure to read.

    Unfortunately, ‘marriage’ is the highest certificate that we, as society, can give to a relationship, which in reality does not always hold good. A true relationship two does not need any outside ratification, it exists and sustains itself on the inherent bond between the two…and then marriage is an optional component which may or may not be added, but if added, it is neither the binding factor nor a defining part of the relationship. It just works as an ornamental necklace, for a relationship which with or without it, can sustain on its own. Just my thoughts…on hindsight…

    • I agree with that. Marriage is just something that’s there. Without the excitement then I don’t see the need to sign that contract. It’s different depending on the relationship and the person. I want to know that I am with someone that is willing to make sacrifices and celebrate what we have.

  2. When it comes to marriage, it boils down to two separate reason between men and women:

    For women, marriage is merely another thing to be curious about, in its intent, in its existence, and in its feeling.

    For men, marriage is about settling down after a tired life.

    If it isn’t about love, then marriage has no existence, on its own.

    For a man, as myself who would call himself a man, to marry young is always an error. Marriage, for a man, when young, turns into constant satisfaction for a woman. He now must devote himself to her happiness, though that sometimes comes at the cost of what I call “instinctual foolishness” from a man, because he believes a woman’s happiness should stem from her loneliness. And that means, that a man will sometimes believe a woman’s happiness is everything of many things, and not something of a one.

    I’ve reminded myself that a woman needs to be reminded. What is that reminder? It was the loss of something precious to her. It was her virginity. It was the loss of something that made her a woman. When a woman loses, she grows intense in wishing for its return. A woman sometimes needs her jaw gripped, and a kiss landed upon her open, not her closed, mouth.

    Most of all, for an actual man, marriage is about an instantaneous decision.

    I would give a man two months, and no longer, for a man who has met a woman, to make a decision about marrying her. Otherwise, he turns into the insecure and idiotic “thinking” fool, that no one likes.

    • This is beautifully written. I am not sure where it was going at first, I must admit. I never imagined myself married or living a regular life, because it’s not something to just want for no reason. I also don’t believe in being, ” done,” with life and settling down. I see it as an agreement to go through life together for the fun and the pain of it all. There needs to be some excitement about having this specific person be with you for all of that or else there is either little value in life or the person.

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