I like making lists. I carry a notebook everywhere I go and look at my phone constantly just so that I can add things on to my list. I like knowing what I will be doing, when, and with who. I like knowing when I will see someone so that I can mentally prepare for them. I am introverted and even if I like someone I have not mastered the art of looking excited. The familiar scares me so I get into unfamiliar situations constantly. I am the most comfortable when I know I shouldn’t be. I feel sometimes that if I don’t write down the things I wish for myself, the bad will creep its way back in.
I like making lists. But most importantly I like crossing things out. Seeing the words that meant so much to me struggle to survive under the dashes. On the phone these things get deleted constantly, but it’s still a metaphorical cross out. Sometimes I write something down that I have already completed just so I can cross it out. I like crossing things out, but more importantly I like having control. The first time I drank alcohol I was four years old, yet I rarely abuse alcohol. It makes me lose control. I like control. I don’t like losing the things I like.
I have recently discovered that my need for control stemmed from my lack of control. This entire time I thought I had full control of my life. Yet I was finding myself complaining about office politics, acquaintances and the lack of love I was feeling. Maybe it is because there is a moon in Virgo. Or maybe it is because going through the motions kills emotions. I was becoming a robot and accepting the feelings situations brought on to me without knowing that I had full control of them. Now when I go to office happy hours I talk about life, not work. I want to know the people I work with as people, not the department they work in. I also made a list of people that I communicate with on social media yet am too awkward to connect with in person. This month I will make it a point to hang out with the five females on my list because I need to be around people I respect and share a genuine connection with, and not those life has chosen for me or have been the most convenient to be around. I also made a list of people I need to clear the air with and another list of people that need to not be primary characters in the show that is my life anymore. Maybe they can have a cameo here and there.
When I was younger I was a mousy kid. I was a Goth all the way through middle school and would wear headphones attached to nothing because I just wanted to be left alone. Talking took too much effort and I enjoyed writing too much to trade it in for conversation. In high school I slowly shed my layers. From Goth to punk to rocker to me. I did not know how to fully interact with others. I didn’t fully know how friendships are made. It’s not the friendship itself that surprised me, it’s the origin. I grew up in a family of passive aggressive introverts with an enabling father who doesn’t know what a real hug is and a narcissistic mother. Loving doesn’t come natural to me, but I have so much love to give. I just realized that although it is not in my nature to let my freak flag fly there is something beautiful about the things I find beautiful and I must find others who see them as such too.
There is beauty in the grotesque. There is beauty in the way you can create an entire image while only using shades of grey. There is beauty in knowing that when you find the dark to be appealing it’s because you choose to make this beautiful to you. No one taught you by environment or purpose to love this thing. It is now a part of you, because you choose to love it. There is beauty in choosing to be afraid. In smiling after you’ve watched a horror movie or played an amazing horror game, because you are reminded of your other emotions. Emotions that you choose to feel. Just being a living thing is beautiful when we are capable of feeling so much. There is beauty in understanding that at times life is more disgusting than good. That the ugly will ram its way into your soul, but the good you have to prepare yourself for and find. There is beauty in being able to look the ugly in its face and tell it that you love it. Tell it that it’s OK, then tell yourself that you’re in good company.
I met a girl today. She’s quiet and a little awkward, but she’s a good person and sure of herself. I looked her in the eyes and told her that how she looks is how I feel. I like making lists, I put her on the list of people I need to make friends with.
“A lot of life is dealing with the curse, dealing with the cards you were given that aren’t so nice. Does it make you into a monster, or can you temper it in some way, or accept it and go in some other direction?” – Wes Craven (The guru of gore) R.I.P. You helped us face the terrors of humanity in the most manageable ways.